Against All Odds

Originally written on 14th September 2006 4.54pm

Do you ever feel like the odds are all stacked up against you? It's me against the world ... or God. Or no matter how hard you're trying, it feels a little bit like you're in your car and you're stuck in the mud and no matter how hard you step on the gas, you're not going anywhere but instead you're making a bigger mess.

Maybe the answer to getting out isn't stepping harder on the gas. Maybe I need to roll up my sleeves, get down and dirty and start shovelling.

If you had a choice to start over with a clean slate with everything that you know now, would you? ... I'm tempted to say Yes because why wouldn't you want to start over with everything that you know now? Why wouldn't you WANT to go back and fix everything in your life that you've done wrong? Why wouldn't you WANT to go back to get to know your loved ones better before they went so you won't feel as guilty as you do now because you took their presence for granted? Why wouldn't you WANT to go back and change every wrong answer you've ever written in your tests? Why wouldn't you WANT to go back rewrite your history?

But no, as much as having the opportunity to create the life I want now seems enticing I wouldn't want to do it. It would mean I may never meet the wonderful (and awful) people I know now and I may never fully appreciate the struggles of living life. Every mistake I made thus far is a testament to the person I am today. And that is (I hope) a person of integrity and a person who gives a damn and a person who tries and a person who has so much love to give and a person who finishes what she starts.